I have been in this hall for two weeks now and still have not even the slightest desire to interact with those around me. I feel like I'm too different from everybody else to get along with them. Briefly, they are mostly crazy and outgoing, seeking women, looking for attention from our RA, playing the same boring worship songs from the 90's, you know, typical Christian student, walking around all the time claiming great things about God and Jesus whenever they feel such an opportunity shall arise. Everybody around them can see the desperation in their eyes. The look of "somebody give me attention." Do they know God? Do they think they know God, wish they know God? I don't know. It's not my direct business. Whatever boats their float.
I had lunch with some wonderful men I worked with over the summer. We ate at some small hispanic owned family restaurant. We all ordered the lunch special. Typical, cole slaw, a bread roll, rice with some sort of brown gravy stuff, and a chicken thigh with three babyback ribs. None of these were terribly appetizing. Yes, even the rather meatless ribs. So we sat down and ate and engaged in rather deep conversation which is pretty usual for us. I talked about how I don't like the guys in my hall. Both of them were rather surprised as they loved their dorm experience. I'm still too indifferent to make a solid conclusion. I am caught up in the dilemma of maybe it's my own insecurities causing me to feel this way. Maybe, my interpersonal lack of maturity, confidence, and motivation is making me too critical. It would make sense. I'm not normally like this. Normally, I think people are really capable and lovable. Why am I thinking this way? I guess it could also be my straight up loneliness. I miss my girlfriend a lot. I talk to her digitally everyday but it just isn't the same. Anybody trying a long distance relationship can testify for me. There could be so many things contributing to my loss in self confidence.
I don't think I'm going to try and build relationships with the guys on my hall. I just don't have a connection with them. I don't wanna work out and jam on guitar all day. It's like they don't understand what it means to be a freshman in college and have a girlfriend. That's all they care about.
But what do I want right now? I want a couple friends that I can really be in a deep relationship with. I think I have a solid idea of who that is. So, don't think that I'm a loner, I have friends.
I've been praying for trust. I need it so bad right now. A lot of things in my life could use a lot more assurance. I need security in my life and my future. I have never tried planning so far ahead before. It's come down to the fact that being home for just Christmas break really isn't enough. But it really doesn't seem like there is a way for me to be home at a good time. Spring break would be nice but not really, especially if I get that job at GameStop. Then I would have a much stronger commitment here. I would really like to go home for summer, but I also want to be here. Then there's next year. Do I transfer home to Boise State? A college I really don't want to attend. Sacrifice for the well being of my relationship? Try to convince my girlfriend to come here? I don't want to do that though. It should be her choice. I just need to set up a visit. I could definitely use some trust and confidence that God has a solid path for me and that I could stop worrying.
Speaking of worrying, I also think a lot about what my girl is doing back home. Not that I don't trust her. I know that she does everything within her control to benefit us. It's just so hard. Being apart sucks. It sucks a lot. A lot a lot. I need to have strength and encouragement to just let her live her life. It's not my responsibility to monitor and control her. I won't ever do that anyways.
That's where I'm at right now. For future stuff, I plan on blogging more about my opinions on random crap. On my mind recently, why do people gangster out their cars? Are electric cars really going to make a revolution? What is better, a gaming PC or a console? What about Christian universities vs. state ones? What is so good/bad about contemporary worship? It'll come out eventually.
