Sorry professor. I can't come to class today, I was diagnosed with senioritis.

When I first stepped foot, or rather, tires on the campus of Azusa Pacific University, I was a mess of emotions. I was nervous, scared, and in a foreign world full of new students and overexcited extroverts formerly known as Alpha Leaders. Yet amongst my mixed feelings exacerbated with driving over a dozen hours alone across the desert, I was filled to the brim with a sense of adventure. I was ready and prepared for whatever life was going to throw my way. I was in the prime of my life and pursuing my dreams in sunny Southern California. But little would I know that four years later, I would not be feeling the same.

You see, growing up, my family was always on the move. Never staying in a house for more than a couple years, I was used to quickly making new friends and adapting to unique environments. After all, I had no control so I was forced to go wherever my family went. This experience of coming and going so quickly made it so easy for me to leave Idaho to come to APU. I was ready for adventure and the leap to a new place where I would call my home for the next four years. There was very little fear in that transition. All I can remember was how excited I was.

Now fast forward four years and here I am, sitting on my couch reflecting on my time at APU and thinking about what is next. Frankly, that is all I seem to think about these days. What will I do with my degree? Was it worth all those tens of thousands of dollars and years of my time? Obviously the answer is yes. Of course it was, right? After all, where would I be without it. But there is something completely different about this transition. This time around, I am scared. I am nervous, weak, and frightened that things simply won't work out.

I have spent many days thinking about my future (my #1 strength is Futuristic) and how I plan to move my life forward from here and the uncertainties are driving me insane. Let me inform you on what my situation is right now.

So over Christmas break, I met with a company and discussed job opportunities and basically came to the conclusion that I have found my dream job. I have the connections, the qualifications, fit the culture, and love the people and the environment. I would get decent pay and live my life purposely and have a blast doing so. Here's the problem: it is in Boise. Now let me quickly reassure you that this is not a story about the city of Boise. I am madly in love with that place and all that it offers. Truly, if you have never been, you have to visit such a fine gem deep in the valley beneath the mighty Sawtooth Mountains and the gateway to the Rockies. But what I have realized recently is that I have done something that, growing up, I swore I would never do. I have settled down. Having been here for four years straight, I have built incredible relationships and surrounded myself with a community that challenges me and pushes my to be a difference maker. Never have I felt so plugged in and connected to a location and the people within it. This community and people that I have loved so deeply are quickly becoming an element of fear when it comes to transition.

Ultimately, I think I just want APU to come with me wherever I go. It pains me to know that there could even be the slightest chance, whether I take this job or not, that I could be leaving those close to me. All the stories, adventures, and calamities from the past few years will be left to Facebook posts and photos stashed deep into my computer that I know I am bound to come across years from now. Of course, I will look back at those moments, laughing and crying at my youth and how funny it is that I am even writing this post right now. But oh well. That is the way it goes.

I guess the big question we are all wondering is not whether we are feeling stressed or not, because, let's face it, we all are. We are all fearful, thinking about our friend who just landed an incredible job while we sit here, still jobless with little to no good leads. We seniors often think to ourselves, are we being too picky? Was my education not preparing me enough? Maybe grad school was the better option. Is it acceptable to just go work at a restaurant or work retail? That still counts as a job... kinda. 

I think the real question to be asked is "how are you dealing with it all?"

So I ask this to all seniors, in hopes that we can come together and share our fears and build one another up in community. Some of you are getting married, some going abroad, others staying here, some going back to where they call home. But in the end, we are all diving head first into foreign waters. But if you think about it, every year before us has gone through this same exact situation and they all sorted it out eventually. 

With that, maybe my nervousness is unwarranted. But that really does not help me make a decision. Bummer.

Perhaps in the coming months I will write a thank you letter to the community of Azusa Pacific University and how my life has been completely revolutionized because of what I have experienced here. There is no other place on Earth like it and I am glad to be spending these last 4 months part of such a beautiful and worthy community.

Happy last semester.