No time for a title

This summer, I came to the conclusion that a deep part of who I am is my capability to love people deeply.  I found that above all other things in this earth, I value relational intimacy.  I've always dreamt of having a very specific relationship that I always thought would fill such a large part of my life.  I imagined this perfect relationship for years of my life and I realized this week that this opportunity has come along my path as I start college.  Do I seek to dive into and invest into this person?  Or is it too risky because it could damage other relationships in my life.  My desire to be emotionally close to somebody is overwhelming.  My dream relationship could ruin my real ones.


I am best friends with this person.   We met through a random event and had a very odd connection right from day one.  We started talking more and more outside of our given opportunities through this group we are both involved in.  Through random sit downs over a meal, we discuss theology, people, and mostly life.  We talk of our experiences with different people and how we view them and how they have shaped our lives.  When we look at each other, there is a sense of security in knowing that we can be vulnerable.  Vulnerability has never been a problem with me, but to receive it so easily is so foreign.  Weeks go by and we see each other once a week or so, but it lights my heart up to see this person.  Our relationship is so genuine right now.  It's real and honest.  It's passionately beautiful.


We are so different, yet so alike.  Maybe all of this is just on my end.  I really don't know what this person thinks of me.  I am afraid to communicate my true admiration.  I have written letters and sent little bits of emotion within the words.  My fear of ruining what we have is overpowering.  Is there a way to love but be friends?  I am struggling to find the median.  I have come to accept that the equilibrium between love and friendship is too sacred to share.  I have a love back home that holds my heart so dear.  Even so far away, I can never take what we have for granted.


My desire for intimacy is controlling.  It's like a powerful weapon inside of me.  If I let it loose, all hell in my life will break out.  My parents call it damsel in distress disorder.  It's like a mental problem, except it's more of a gift.  I have inclination to be somebody's hero.  To be their knight in shining armor.  It's a gift of taking burdens upon me and finding an outlet to free the previous bearer from their problems.  I have an immense ability to take other people's problems and help them figure out what to do.  Though I feel like what I'm doing is so simple, people that have shared life with me tell me how much I have helped them get through something.  Yet I don't necessarily see what I have done.  It's all instinct.


I need to learn to prioritize this feeling.  To be able to have a deep and powerful relationship with the woman I love with my life, but to be deeply involved with others in a way that isn't damaging to me or her.  It's a difficult challenge.  And it really is scary because of what there is at risk.  I love sharing life and existing in the joy of the relationships God has placed before me.  As much as I love people here, some more than others, I must always remember who I have a commitment to.


Keep praying for wisdom, love, and acceptance.  I pray that I may shine in the lives of the people I love.

The Generation of Uselessness

I've been told that I'm a very resourceful person.  I always thought that what I was doing was typical, but I guess I am a super genius workman here in California.

For example, I got strep throat.  I couldn't afford a doctor or any medical treatment so I challenged the virus to my body and intellect.  I forced a fever on myself to fight off the infection at a faster rate.  I got over the virus just fine and didn't spend a single penny.  When I tell that story to other students here they flip out!  "Why the hell did you do that?  The doctor would've only been a hundred or so bucks!"  Yeah, a hundred bucks I don't have!  People have survived for thousands of years using everyday techniques to get better.  Why is it so foreign now for people to do something on their own?  

Another example, today, I bought an American Eagle cardigan sweater from a thrift store for a couple bucks.  You say, so what, anybody can shop at thrift stores.  I personally hate having brand names on my clothes.  I bought an American Eagle sweater with an awesome look to it, took it home and undid all the embroidery so it doesn't have a big ass AE on the front of it for everyone to see.  Again, my roommate said, "why don't you just buy a different sweater?"  Well, I don't really have 45 bucks for a sweater. I spent four bucks on this one and I love it now.  

My car.  People can't believe I bought my car for 750 dollars.  Ruby (my baby) has taken me around Idaho for two years, driven me down the country to Los Angeles, and she still doesn't cost me hardly a dime to maintain.  Do people realize that you can keep your car running if you do basic work on it?  Yeah I understand my car is notorious for having an immortal engine, but still. When I was waxing my car with my roommate at his house, we went and bought some wax and a buffer.  We got to his house and I asked if he had an extension cord. Nope.  Who the heck doesn't have an extension cord?!  I asked for a screwdriver to clean something on the exterior of my car.  Not one of those either.  No screwdriver?!  How do you do anything around the house or your car??  I had a small toolkit in my trunk.  I managed to actually take off the entire front grille on my car and realign it because it was crooked from the last time it was worked on.  Alan was blown away that I could do that.  Later he asked me how to open his hood on his Charger.  Ok.  Two mins later, "how do I check my oil?"  Five minutes later, he holds the dipstick up and the oil is dark, he looks at me and with a concerned look on his face, "is oil supposed to be this dark?"  "Yes, Alan, oil is dark."  I mean really?  Am I the only one out here who does work on my own.  Or do people in Southern California really pay people hundreds of dollars to the most basic of work.  Oh, my car needs an oil change, better take it to the dealer.  Uh oh, my drain is clogged.  I should probably call a plumber.  Mom, can you make me a sandwich? Do my laundry?  Pay my phone bill?  Give me the credit card? Seriously!

I am blessed with great parents that have taught me to do things on my own.  I cleaned the bathroom as an 8 year old.  At camp, I asked a high school student to clean the bathroom for today and he stands there and looks at me.  He asks "How?"  I hand him the cleaning bucket, "the blue cleaner is for windows, the green is for everything else."  He still had that blank stare on his face.  I asked if he had ever cleaned a bathroom before, he says no.  I then asked, "well who does it at home?"  "I dunno." "Really? Nobody cleans your bathroom?"  He then said "it just stays clean."  Sure it does. Whatever.  

Enough stories.  The point is, what is happening to our society?  I know my view is pretty biased to the life of my friends and to my one month of experience in Southern California.  But besides that fact, people spend so much money on stuff they could do themselves.  Practical knowledge used to be common sense. Now, only a select few "professionals" know how to do the work.  So how do we teach people to become more resourceful with their own abilities?  Well, we teach them how to screw up.  Teach them how to learn, how to ask questions.  Knowledge is passed down through people and with the help of the internet.  If you wanted to change the oil on your car, you can literally YouTube your make and model and it will probably be in the top ten posts (if you even know the make and model of your car).  Information is so easy to gain and we still manage to ignore its presence and use.

Maybe that is the problem.  I don't need to learn how to spell, communicate, make food, or stay healthy.  The internet has all the answers.  Is technology making our lives easier? Or just making us stupider?   For the first time in American history, the next generation is predicted to be receiving less education than their parents.  That is unacceptable. 

I don't wanna get into government conspiracy about phone tracking, spreading of personal information, reliance on technology that will someday rule our lives.  But, don't think it doesn't exist.

Please, save your money. Learn.  Take knowledge to the streets and apply it somewhere.  Don't be afraid to screw up.  That's one of the most primitive ways of becoming good at something.  Make a mistake, learn from it, and try again.