No time for a title

This summer, I came to the conclusion that a deep part of who I am is my capability to love people deeply.  I found that above all other things in this earth, I value relational intimacy.  I've always dreamt of having a very specific relationship that I always thought would fill such a large part of my life.  I imagined this perfect relationship for years of my life and I realized this week that this opportunity has come along my path as I start college.  Do I seek to dive into and invest into this person?  Or is it too risky because it could damage other relationships in my life.  My desire to be emotionally close to somebody is overwhelming.  My dream relationship could ruin my real ones.


I am best friends with this person.   We met through a random event and had a very odd connection right from day one.  We started talking more and more outside of our given opportunities through this group we are both involved in.  Through random sit downs over a meal, we discuss theology, people, and mostly life.  We talk of our experiences with different people and how we view them and how they have shaped our lives.  When we look at each other, there is a sense of security in knowing that we can be vulnerable.  Vulnerability has never been a problem with me, but to receive it so easily is so foreign.  Weeks go by and we see each other once a week or so, but it lights my heart up to see this person.  Our relationship is so genuine right now.  It's real and honest.  It's passionately beautiful.


We are so different, yet so alike.  Maybe all of this is just on my end.  I really don't know what this person thinks of me.  I am afraid to communicate my true admiration.  I have written letters and sent little bits of emotion within the words.  My fear of ruining what we have is overpowering.  Is there a way to love but be friends?  I am struggling to find the median.  I have come to accept that the equilibrium between love and friendship is too sacred to share.  I have a love back home that holds my heart so dear.  Even so far away, I can never take what we have for granted.


My desire for intimacy is controlling.  It's like a powerful weapon inside of me.  If I let it loose, all hell in my life will break out.  My parents call it damsel in distress disorder.  It's like a mental problem, except it's more of a gift.  I have inclination to be somebody's hero.  To be their knight in shining armor.  It's a gift of taking burdens upon me and finding an outlet to free the previous bearer from their problems.  I have an immense ability to take other people's problems and help them figure out what to do.  Though I feel like what I'm doing is so simple, people that have shared life with me tell me how much I have helped them get through something.  Yet I don't necessarily see what I have done.  It's all instinct.


I need to learn to prioritize this feeling.  To be able to have a deep and powerful relationship with the woman I love with my life, but to be deeply involved with others in a way that isn't damaging to me or her.  It's a difficult challenge.  And it really is scary because of what there is at risk.  I love sharing life and existing in the joy of the relationships God has placed before me.  As much as I love people here, some more than others, I must always remember who I have a commitment to.


Keep praying for wisdom, love, and acceptance.  I pray that I may shine in the lives of the people I love.