of Introverts

On this glorious day of Christmas, I find myself not inclined to write about Christmas or being thankful or any of that gleeful hubbub that places a delighted smirk on the faces of readers.  Rather, I am going to talk about the one thing that bothers me with being with my family.  Sorry to disappoint you if you were hoping to lighten your heart with a shallow Christmas love story.


A few people that know me well enough know that I can not be around people for a very long time.  As much as I like being social and partying and all that jazz,  I get tense, impatient, and will eventually blow up on somebody and scare the heck out of them as I go off on some rant about how they have been annoying me for days if I do not get the break I need.  I needed time to myself.  It is kind of like a drug in my life.  I need my daily dose of alone time.  I love people and admire the beauty of relationships but balance in my life comes directly from within me.  I learned that this is what makes me a true introvert.  You can tell if a person is introverted or extroverted by asking them what they do when they need spiritual or emotional revival.  Do they become the life of the party and bask in the rays of external personalities?  Or do they go off to themselves and reflect or relax to rejuvenate?  The latter question is my giveaway.  It is true to me one hundred percent.  I am an introvert.


When I need energy or life, I go off to myself and do a few of these things.  Sometimes I play guitar and belt out until I can't sing a single note more, or until somebody hears me (if you ever get me to sing or play guitar publicly, consider yourself one in a billion).  Other times, I listen to music and mindlessly surf the Web for a few hours.  Most likely, I will sit at my desk, plug in my iPod, and engage in some sort of personal communication with somebody.  This tends to be either writing letters (which I have become exceedingly fond of as college has progressed), texting, or emailing.   I never can really know who I will end up talking to but it tends to be somebody who I value very highly in my life.  The reality of the situation is that I want to be away from people and want to be with a person.  I will take that hour to myself to regenerate and then I will invite somebody to join me in my sacred time.  This all bubbles down to why I can not stand to be at home for long periods of time.  My family is always around and wanting to have me with them.


Before I moved out, so around early April, I moved into the TV room so my brothers could have their own rooms because they fought so much.  I loved this transition but feared the fact that I no longer had control of my privacy in the house.  Now back here, I am screwed.  I have no car,  it is below freezing outside, and my family has not seen me for months.  It is the perfect storm.   Day by day goes by where I do not get time to myself and I am slowly getting closer to my mental boiling point.  I am surprised I have lasted this long into the break.  Even a few days of family time without a break is difficult for me.  The sooner I get back to college, away from my little brothers always being in my space, the better.  I love my family and will miss them dearly, but golly do I need a good break.  


However, I am being summoned to a family game right now.  Lord, give me patience. :) Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays.  May your Winter breaks continue to be a blessing!

Home is wherever I'm with you... psh, yeah right.

Welcome home Britton Hennessy! More like welcome to the dwelling of your direct family. I realized the day I arrived back home, Thursday December 15, that my family's house, in which we have lived in for five years now, is not my home.


Historically, I have never really had a place I can call home.  I moved a lot as a kid, went to new schools, and make lots of random friends, then I moved on and had to make new ones every year.  I moved to new houses in third, sixth, and eighth grade.  But if you consider going from one grade level to the next, you can say that I went to new schools in third, sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth grade, and once again for college.  Now with all of this moving around behind me, I look back and realize that I never truly fitted in to any one of those places.  Though I loved every single place for different reasons: my first house was so adventurous, elementary school was my favorite neighborhood, seventh grade had my favorite house and church, and eighth grade was where I loved school the most.  None of these places will I ever call my home.


I really thought APU was going to be my home.  I thought that finally I will be where I desire to be, the LA county area.  However, I still have not found that perfect place for me.  Don't get my wrong though, I absolutely love APU!  The friends I have made there are the best friendships I have ever been blessed with, the culture is extremely active and unique in its own way, and I am taking my education beyond what I ever thought I could.


In my Christian, Life, Faith, and Ministry class, we discussed a lot about what God's will is for our lives.  How we determine our purpose here on Earth.  I was to begin looking at my vocation, calling, or life goal if you will.  I started thinking about the things that drive me.  The parts in life that make my heart just melt in joy or love.  I couldn't put my finger directly on it.  In fact,  I was actually asked a little over a week ago, "what are you passionate about?"  When I was asked this, I was completely blank! I looked across the table as my mind went into panic mode.  Staring into space, my mind was searching for a file that did not exist.  I couldn't answer such a simple question.  I really don't remember what I eventually said but it must not have been very deep.  Probably something about t-shirt design or being nice to girls.  The point is that maybe I am about to grasp something I have never considered before.


Maybe I am not meant to have a home somewhere.  Is it possible that I settling down somewhere just is not for me?  I love going on voyages.  Hear me out though, to me, there is a difference between travelling and a voyage.  For me, traveling has a smaller more delicate sense of direction or purpose.  Travelling is to explore, enjoy, or be entertained.  My voyages have validity.  They are deeper.  When I think of going on a voyage in life, I have a mission and objective.  I am going to seek out something and begin a new chapter of my life.  This chapter will forever change me and when I am ready, I new chapter will begin and I will venture yonder once again.  My voyage to APU was my lift ticket to my future.  I came to APU to propel my life further than ever before.  Here, I create beautiful relationships and reroute my faith in a straight path to God.  But there is one thing that seems to be impossible to miss about this new place.


Many people at school believe that they will find their future spouse during college.  This is a joke.  Do you really go searching for this person?  I think it's too consuming.  How can I focus on my faith and education when I am distracting myself with girls?  I don't want to spend my time looking for my long lost love.  I put it this way, I kind of adopted this from something I heard from some speaker at some conference some short amount of years ago.  If somebody is going to be with me forever, this is the one criteria they must meet.  If I look at my life, I am running.  I am running towards success and towards God.  I look around myself in my run and see the people around me, some passing me, me passing others, and then I look and realize there is a stunning woman running right beside me at the exact same pace.  She catches me eye, but she doesn't make me stop in a startle.  I look over at her and she gets this mischievous look that says something along the lines of "bring it on, lets see what you've got."  She runs next to me and looks as I am running my life and all of the sudden we are racing!  We are pushing each other to success, to God, leaping over obstacles side by side as we push ourselves faster than we have ever gone before.  We launch each other to excellence.  That girl will be the one I spend my life with.  I shall keep a sharp eye out in this race.


Most of what I am saying right now about home, life, and women, is just the birth of an idea.  It's still forming and I am figuring a lot out right now.  I just want to express it so I can share it and look back on this day a few months or even years from now.


There are a lot of things I am learning about myself and the man of God I am becoming.  Mostly thanks to you, my ever so faithful friends.  I learn a lot about myself through the eyes of others. Thanks for being so amazing. I miss my APU family like no other! I mean, it is great to be back in my house with my family but gosh I really do miss so much about you guys! I can not wait to get back.  Lets get coffee and catch up. And if you're reading this from Idaho, let's hang out.


P.S. I am almost to 500 page views.  Make it happen by Christmas.

How I Connect With God

I had a very captivating moment with a few friends today.  We were talking about God and the creation of the stars and how marvelous it was.  How the stars are set into mathematical equations and how we see certain formations at certain time and how stars can be tracked to tell time and other sorts of phenomenons.  We sat in the freezing cold for maybe half an hour giggling and occasionally yelling in joy.  It was a beautiful time for all of us.  Good bonding and such.  I have such a huge love to learn about people so I was thriving inside. Learning how each and every person finds God in different ways.  In the end, we all huddled together and prayed and then went inside.  I love each and every one of them so much.  All in different ways.  I am blessed so much through them.  Anyways, while we were praying, I was looking up at the stars.  I have always felt that praying out loud while looking up to the sky is how I connect to God the most in prayer, especially while I am outside and I can look into the deep of the night sky. 


There are three ways I really connect with God in my life.  First, through open prayer, second through powerful worship, and third through complete and utter silence and isolation.  


Like mentioned earlier, I like pray looking up with my eyes open.  Growing up in a typical American church, I was taught to bow my head and close my eyes like everybody else, but it never really felt right.  I always felt as if I was just going with the motions.  Only recently did I take my prayer life by the horns and make it my own.  I started experimenting with how I pray.  I was trying to find the best way to speak to God.  From the growth I had experienced through Teen Focus my freshman year, I took the concept of open body positioning.  I had always noticed a significant change in my attitude through people just from the way I compose my body.  Talking with my arms behind my back or to my sides is much different than with my arms crossed or in my pockets.  I try to avoid that.  But I do like to cross my arms if I'm arguing something or trying to become more intimidating.  It's a fun thing to mess around with.  I took this whole concept and applied it to my prayer life.  Instantly, I felt a huge difference the very first time.  The conviction I felt was much deeper than before.  I was afraid because I was so vulnerable.  Something I urge people to try is to lay on your back and pray with your arms and legs spread out as if you are doing a jumping jack on the floor. It may feel silly, but I love it.  This action really makes me scared because of how vulnerable my physical position is.  It's an incredible experience.


As I continued to develop my personal relationship with Christ going through high school and now into college, I look to God more as a leader in my life.  Somebody I look to for guidance.  Where many people believe that human kind is doomed to fail without God, I believe that God created people very capable of success.  I like to see myself succeed in something on my own.  Not that I want to be separated from God, but that I think I can do something and God has given me the strengths to find what I am good at.  Because of this, I don't really like looking down and closing my eyes when I pray.  I do like bowing though, but that's a big physical thing, like laying down.  I find that opening my eyes and staring up into the sky is the best way for me.  Mentally, this is me looking to God because He is right there in my presence.  God is towering over me with honor and glory and I don't deserve it but I receive love from Him every day.  This looking up makes me feel so small and reminds me of how powerful God is.   When I used to bow my head, I felt fearful of God, and I didn't like it.  I wanted to feel capable, powerful, and created with strength. I don't like feeling helpless.  I don't think God made people to fail at life without Him.  He just desires to be with us every step of the way.  So now I pray with my hands and eyes open reaching out to God to feel his touch.  It is one of my most favorite things to do.


The second way I connect with God is through worship.  Now, in this case, I mean musical worship.  Ideally, there is an incredibly gifted band that is rocking out and blasting the music so loud that I can barely hear myself sing.  Here's the thing, I love powerful music; buildups, minor keys, loud fans, the whole thing.  I am very picky with worship music.  This factor actually is the largest part of me choosing a church home.  The speaker can be amazing, but if the worship sucks, I will most likely not attend.  When I worship, I want to be dancing.  I want to be belting out every tone I can render in a crowd of people singing along with me.  I am that guy you see in the front row with his hands raised as high as I can reach, dancing and praising God with all that I can.  Ironically, I found that the best worship experience of my life was at Camp Hammer.  The freedom that people find there is unbelievable!  When you've got 100 children and college students dancing together and raising their hands to praise God, the community in singing openly breaks me down every time.  I bawl so hard!  I just can not get over the fact of the people all singing together. It's so beautiful.


Aside from this loud concert-like music, I connect with God through silence, especially in nature.  I don't think many people today really know what silence really is.  Silence is scary, first off.  I think that because our brains are so used to noise, we are actually incapable of hearing silence.  Seriously.  You know how when you leave a concert, your ears are ringing for a few hours because they are blown out a bit? I think that this is actually what we live in everyday. We have become so accustomed to noise that our brain doesn't know how to comprehend a lack of noise.  There has only been one place I've ever heard complete silence.  That was in the mountains of Idaho while I was snowboarding.  I think that's why I see God in my life so much when I am standing at the top of snowcapped mountain peaks looking down at the vastness of the world.  I will go out of my way for hours just to find this silence.  I hike up to the highest peak of ski resorts and when I reach them, I fall flat on my back, hopefully at night so I can see the stars of the night ski, and I will hold my breath as long as I can.  I stop my breathing, moving, and anything I may do that may make the slightest sound.  I listen to nothing.  Going back the ears ringing idea, well that is what I experience there.  My ears begin to ring, as if my mind is going to a panic because there is no noise.  It's the oddest thing.  I want to be in silence all the time.  Maybe then my mind can actually hear silence.  It can actually be relaxed and enjoy the peace of creation.  It's really easy to find this silence on the mountains because the snow collects and blocks any type of sound that may reach me.  That car peeling out 5 miles away.  That helicopter at the hospital taking off.  All of the little things can completely ruin this experience.  I hope to share this with somebody someday.  I want to lie next to somebody and just listen to nothing for a few minutes.  God speaks into my heart through this.  All I want is for somebody else to realize how great it is.  At the same time, I do like having this uniqueness in my relationship with Christ.  I can not wait for snowboarding season because of this.


All in all, God is unfathomable.  He blows my mind every single day! Here at APU, His presence is so powerful!  People's lives are being completely revolutionized.  I am in community with the most beautiful people in the world.  I don't ever want to leave this place.  Friends at APU, stay with me forever! I love all of you individually!  Coffee dates sometime, they are my favorite.

Yeah that's right! I'm a geek.

Maximizer, ideation, strategic, learner, command.
I am a trustworthy, authentic, and confident man of God.  
My mission is to engage, restore, and achieve excellence in myself and others.


This year, I am thankful, beyond any sort of doubt, for how much God has taught me about life, love, and who I am to become in His light.  I have gone through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows this year.  I was in the most life changing romantic relationship I have ever experienced.  I got my first real job.  I worked with an incredible team of leaders at a children's ministry camp.  I attend the greatest school I have ever stepped foot on.  The people I have met here, the way they follow God so passionately is beautiful. Being in Azusa, I realized the power in Christian community.  We all have challenges and being able to share that so openly in a public environment is a powerful experience.  In a secular school, you may learn a lot about who you are and how God is shaping your life before your eyes, but I strongly believe that you will never really find deeper relationships and vulnerability than in a college campus like Azusa Pacific University.


Seeing how I've changed, I wanted to reflect on some of my favorite episodes of my life.


Injuries:
The great hand explosion - I'd like to say I am a miracle child with this one.  From my memory (my parents say the story a little different), I was walking around at church.  I was only 3 years old and my parents were doing some sort of worship thing if I can remember.  My mom handed me here car keys and being any smart youngster, I knew that keys got plugged into things.  I didn't know they were for the ignitions of cars.  Lo and behold, a wall socket lay right in front of me. I thought to myself, "perfect for a key!"  Next thing I know, I'm blown across the room and I can see the bones of my left hand next to seared skin and blacked charred muscles and tendons.  I don't remember anything after that.  I've been told that the doctors said I would have no feeling and limited movement in my hand the rest of my life.  Also, the electrical current somehow hit a bone between my middle and index finger and stopped the power from going straight to my heart and killing me instantly.  Today, I have full feeling in my left hand and have no scars at all.  Miracle child, no?


For the sake of time, I'll spare you these stories.
4 years old - split head open trying to do flips on the couch, landed on our marble coffee table
9 - hit in the face with a baseball, pretty much shattered my nose
10 - hit by jet ski because the driver didn't know how to stop
11 - split my shin on a dolly because I fell off a temporary wall and landed on the edge
15 - busted tail bone snowboarding, then made it worse by falling down stairs
16 - first time on a longboard, went down a hill. Intense raspberries. Enough said.
16 - pulled a superman on my snowboard, landed from about 8 feet flat on ice.  Still pain today.


Ironically, I have never actually broken a bone.  Just something to think about.


Ok, now some geeky stuff about me.  I've always been into video games.  I'm scarily good.  But I'm a very social player nowadays.   I may be playing a game for hours on my own, but if somebody wants to play a multiplayer party game, I'm way down for that.  I wasn't always that way though.  When I was five or six years old, I would set my alarm at 3:00 am and sneak off to the living room to play Super Nintendo.  Not joking about the age either, I am very very strategic and when my mind is set on something, there is no stopping the freight train of trouble.  My first time sneaking to the Nintendo I got caught because of the volume. The next night, I did the same thing, but this time, I turned the volume all the way down right when the TV turned on.  I got caught that time too, but I still remember multiple nights of getting away with it.  Even to this day, I can stay up all night if I have a videogame to play.  It isn't even a challenge for me.  I've pulled videogame all nighters several times, mostly playing one game.


Since the Super Nintendo was so engrained in my brain, I can tell you every single secret on every level for Super Mario 1, Super Mario 3, Super Mario World (yes there's a difference), and Donkey Kong Country 1, 2, and 3.  I consider DK 2 and 3 my speciality.  I know where every single hidden secret barrel is, every DK Koin, and every shortcut to every level.  And remember, this was all before the days of the internet.  No cheat codes this time, champ.


My favorite games, new and old, are Super Mario World, DK Country 2 and 3, Strike Gunner, Halo, Age of Empires 2 Gold Edition, C&C Generals Zero Hour, and Combat Flight Simulator, Amped Snowboarding, NFL Street 2, and of course Dance Dance Revolution!


Wow I realized that I went from wanting to talk about my life and the fun stuff that's happened, and all I talked about was video games.  Good thing I work at Gamestop. 


Well, love it or not, I'm a geek and nerd. Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Peace.

Not so typical day at work.

Today was Gamestop's last day for our store.  I worked the full day from open to close. It was my first time doing this but it was well needed because I am not available the whole rest of the week.  Anyways, the whole day goes by, super busy with the closing sale and all but at around 4:30, a guy walks in with a big case of beer.  I was assuming he was going to pick up MW3 like the rest of our average customers.  
He walks right up to me asks who owns the Audi with an Idaho plate on it.  I told him I do and asked why.  He looks me deep in the eye and asks how much I want for it.  I laughed and told him that there's no way I would sell my baby.  He then asks how much it would take for him to drive it away tonight.  This guy wasn't even joking! He was literally offering me a few thousand dollars cash on the spot for me to give him my car keys.  I told him the only way I would get rid of that car is if I had enough cash to buy a UR-Q (a really nice classic Audi).  He just laughed at me.  

I asked him how he saw my car and he said he had seen it a few times around town and had been trying to find out who owned it for some time.  Turns out this little stalker of mine, he was like 5' 5" by the way, he was a Volkswagen Audi collector.  He knew every little detail about my car, it's history, engine, specs, and other random stuff.


We discussed my car for like ten minutes or so and eventually told me about a show he says I should bring my car too, I told him it wasn't near show quality but he said that most people start that way to begin with.  I don't think I will follow through with it but it is fun to think about.  I love my car.

No time for a title

This summer, I came to the conclusion that a deep part of who I am is my capability to love people deeply.  I found that above all other things in this earth, I value relational intimacy.  I've always dreamt of having a very specific relationship that I always thought would fill such a large part of my life.  I imagined this perfect relationship for years of my life and I realized this week that this opportunity has come along my path as I start college.  Do I seek to dive into and invest into this person?  Or is it too risky because it could damage other relationships in my life.  My desire to be emotionally close to somebody is overwhelming.  My dream relationship could ruin my real ones.


I am best friends with this person.   We met through a random event and had a very odd connection right from day one.  We started talking more and more outside of our given opportunities through this group we are both involved in.  Through random sit downs over a meal, we discuss theology, people, and mostly life.  We talk of our experiences with different people and how we view them and how they have shaped our lives.  When we look at each other, there is a sense of security in knowing that we can be vulnerable.  Vulnerability has never been a problem with me, but to receive it so easily is so foreign.  Weeks go by and we see each other once a week or so, but it lights my heart up to see this person.  Our relationship is so genuine right now.  It's real and honest.  It's passionately beautiful.


We are so different, yet so alike.  Maybe all of this is just on my end.  I really don't know what this person thinks of me.  I am afraid to communicate my true admiration.  I have written letters and sent little bits of emotion within the words.  My fear of ruining what we have is overpowering.  Is there a way to love but be friends?  I am struggling to find the median.  I have come to accept that the equilibrium between love and friendship is too sacred to share.  I have a love back home that holds my heart so dear.  Even so far away, I can never take what we have for granted.


My desire for intimacy is controlling.  It's like a powerful weapon inside of me.  If I let it loose, all hell in my life will break out.  My parents call it damsel in distress disorder.  It's like a mental problem, except it's more of a gift.  I have inclination to be somebody's hero.  To be their knight in shining armor.  It's a gift of taking burdens upon me and finding an outlet to free the previous bearer from their problems.  I have an immense ability to take other people's problems and help them figure out what to do.  Though I feel like what I'm doing is so simple, people that have shared life with me tell me how much I have helped them get through something.  Yet I don't necessarily see what I have done.  It's all instinct.


I need to learn to prioritize this feeling.  To be able to have a deep and powerful relationship with the woman I love with my life, but to be deeply involved with others in a way that isn't damaging to me or her.  It's a difficult challenge.  And it really is scary because of what there is at risk.  I love sharing life and existing in the joy of the relationships God has placed before me.  As much as I love people here, some more than others, I must always remember who I have a commitment to.


Keep praying for wisdom, love, and acceptance.  I pray that I may shine in the lives of the people I love.

The Generation of Uselessness

I've been told that I'm a very resourceful person.  I always thought that what I was doing was typical, but I guess I am a super genius workman here in California.

For example, I got strep throat.  I couldn't afford a doctor or any medical treatment so I challenged the virus to my body and intellect.  I forced a fever on myself to fight off the infection at a faster rate.  I got over the virus just fine and didn't spend a single penny.  When I tell that story to other students here they flip out!  "Why the hell did you do that?  The doctor would've only been a hundred or so bucks!"  Yeah, a hundred bucks I don't have!  People have survived for thousands of years using everyday techniques to get better.  Why is it so foreign now for people to do something on their own?  

Another example, today, I bought an American Eagle cardigan sweater from a thrift store for a couple bucks.  You say, so what, anybody can shop at thrift stores.  I personally hate having brand names on my clothes.  I bought an American Eagle sweater with an awesome look to it, took it home and undid all the embroidery so it doesn't have a big ass AE on the front of it for everyone to see.  Again, my roommate said, "why don't you just buy a different sweater?"  Well, I don't really have 45 bucks for a sweater. I spent four bucks on this one and I love it now.  

My car.  People can't believe I bought my car for 750 dollars.  Ruby (my baby) has taken me around Idaho for two years, driven me down the country to Los Angeles, and she still doesn't cost me hardly a dime to maintain.  Do people realize that you can keep your car running if you do basic work on it?  Yeah I understand my car is notorious for having an immortal engine, but still. When I was waxing my car with my roommate at his house, we went and bought some wax and a buffer.  We got to his house and I asked if he had an extension cord. Nope.  Who the heck doesn't have an extension cord?!  I asked for a screwdriver to clean something on the exterior of my car.  Not one of those either.  No screwdriver?!  How do you do anything around the house or your car??  I had a small toolkit in my trunk.  I managed to actually take off the entire front grille on my car and realign it because it was crooked from the last time it was worked on.  Alan was blown away that I could do that.  Later he asked me how to open his hood on his Charger.  Ok.  Two mins later, "how do I check my oil?"  Five minutes later, he holds the dipstick up and the oil is dark, he looks at me and with a concerned look on his face, "is oil supposed to be this dark?"  "Yes, Alan, oil is dark."  I mean really?  Am I the only one out here who does work on my own.  Or do people in Southern California really pay people hundreds of dollars to the most basic of work.  Oh, my car needs an oil change, better take it to the dealer.  Uh oh, my drain is clogged.  I should probably call a plumber.  Mom, can you make me a sandwich? Do my laundry?  Pay my phone bill?  Give me the credit card? Seriously!

I am blessed with great parents that have taught me to do things on my own.  I cleaned the bathroom as an 8 year old.  At camp, I asked a high school student to clean the bathroom for today and he stands there and looks at me.  He asks "How?"  I hand him the cleaning bucket, "the blue cleaner is for windows, the green is for everything else."  He still had that blank stare on his face.  I asked if he had ever cleaned a bathroom before, he says no.  I then asked, "well who does it at home?"  "I dunno." "Really? Nobody cleans your bathroom?"  He then said "it just stays clean."  Sure it does. Whatever.  

Enough stories.  The point is, what is happening to our society?  I know my view is pretty biased to the life of my friends and to my one month of experience in Southern California.  But besides that fact, people spend so much money on stuff they could do themselves.  Practical knowledge used to be common sense. Now, only a select few "professionals" know how to do the work.  So how do we teach people to become more resourceful with their own abilities?  Well, we teach them how to screw up.  Teach them how to learn, how to ask questions.  Knowledge is passed down through people and with the help of the internet.  If you wanted to change the oil on your car, you can literally YouTube your make and model and it will probably be in the top ten posts (if you even know the make and model of your car).  Information is so easy to gain and we still manage to ignore its presence and use.

Maybe that is the problem.  I don't need to learn how to spell, communicate, make food, or stay healthy.  The internet has all the answers.  Is technology making our lives easier? Or just making us stupider?   For the first time in American history, the next generation is predicted to be receiving less education than their parents.  That is unacceptable. 

I don't wanna get into government conspiracy about phone tracking, spreading of personal information, reliance on technology that will someday rule our lives.  But, don't think it doesn't exist.

Please, save your money. Learn.  Take knowledge to the streets and apply it somewhere.  Don't be afraid to screw up.  That's one of the most primitive ways of becoming good at something.  Make a mistake, learn from it, and try again.

College, people, and my first blog.

I have been in this hall for two weeks now and still have not even the slightest desire to interact with those around me.  I feel like I'm too different from everybody else to get along with them.  Briefly, they are mostly crazy and outgoing, seeking women, looking for attention from our RA, playing the same boring worship songs from the 90's, you know, typical Christian student, walking around all the time claiming great things about God and Jesus whenever they feel such an opportunity shall arise.  Everybody around them can see the desperation in their eyes.  The look of "somebody give me attention." Do they know God? Do they think they know God, wish they know God? I don't know.  It's not my direct business.  Whatever boats their float.


I had lunch with some wonderful men I worked with over the summer.  We ate at some small hispanic owned family restaurant.  We all ordered the lunch special. Typical, cole slaw, a bread roll, rice with some sort of brown gravy stuff, and a chicken thigh with three babyback ribs.  None of these were terribly appetizing. Yes, even the rather meatless ribs.  So we sat down and ate and engaged in rather deep conversation which is pretty usual for us.  I talked about how I don't like the guys in my hall.  Both of them were rather surprised as they loved their dorm experience.  I'm still too indifferent to make a solid conclusion.  I am caught up in the dilemma of maybe it's my own insecurities causing me to feel this way. Maybe, my interpersonal lack of maturity, confidence, and motivation is making me too critical.  It would make sense.  I'm not normally like this.  Normally, I think people are really capable and lovable.  Why am I thinking this way?  I guess it could also be my straight up loneliness.  I miss my girlfriend a lot.  I talk to her digitally everyday but it just isn't the same.  Anybody trying a long distance relationship can testify for me.  There could be so many things contributing to my loss in self confidence.  


I don't think I'm going to try and build relationships with the guys on my hall.  I just don't have a connection with them.  I don't wanna work out and jam on guitar all day.  It's like they don't understand what it means to be a freshman in college and have a girlfriend.  That's all they care about.


But what do I want right now? I want a couple friends that I can really be in a deep relationship with.  I think I have a solid idea of who that is.  So, don't think that I'm a loner, I have friends.


I've been praying for trust.  I need it so bad right now.  A lot of things in my life could use a lot more assurance.  I need security in my life and my future.  I have never tried planning so far ahead before.  It's come down to the fact that being home for just Christmas break really isn't enough.  But it really doesn't seem like there is a way for me to be home at a good time.  Spring break would be nice but not really, especially if I get that job at GameStop.  Then I would have a much stronger commitment here.   I would really like to go home for summer, but I also want to be here.  Then there's next year.  Do I transfer home to Boise State?  A college I really don't want to attend.  Sacrifice for the well being of my relationship?  Try to convince my girlfriend to come here? I don't want to do that though.  It should be her choice.  I just need to set up a visit.  I could definitely use some trust and confidence that God has a solid path for me and that I could stop worrying.


Speaking of worrying, I also think a lot about what my girl is doing back home.  Not that I don't trust her.  I know that she does everything within her control to benefit us.  It's just so hard.  Being apart sucks.  It sucks a lot.  A lot a lot. I need to have strength and encouragement to just let her live her life.  It's not my responsibility to monitor and control her.  I won't ever do that anyways.  


That's where I'm at right now.  For future stuff, I plan on blogging more about my opinions on random crap.  On my mind recently, why do people gangster out their cars? Are electric cars really going to make a revolution?  What is better, a gaming PC or a console?  What about Christian universities vs. state ones?  What is so good/bad about contemporary worship?  It'll come out eventually.